Why You Sabotage Good Things: The Psychology of Expecting Loss
Introduction
Clients often confess:
– “I ruin things when they start going well.”
– “I pull away when I feel cared for.”
– “Success makes me anxious.”
– “I expect things to fall apart.”
This is anticipatory defense, a trauma-rooted belief that good things are temporary and loss is inevitable.
1. Why Self-Sabotage Happens
1. You fear losing what you value
So you leave before it leaves you.
2. Happiness feels unsafe
The nervous system expects negative outcomes.
3. Success triggers impostor feelings
You fear being exposed.
4. Intimacy activates vulnerability wounds
Closeness feels dangerous.
5. You associate calm with impending chaos
The body remembers instability.
2. CLP Markers of Self-Sabotage
Language reveals:
– “It felt too good to be true.”
– “I didn’t want to get hurt.”
– “I needed space suddenly.”
– “I panicked.”
These reflect fear, not apathy.
3. How Self-Sabotage Shows Up
1. Ending relationships abruptly
Escape prevents emotional risk.
2. Procrastinating opportunities
Avoiding potential failure.
3. Becoming perfectionistic
If it can’t be perfect, you abandon it.
4. Emotional withdrawal
Distance feels safer.
4. The Emotional Logic Behind Sabotage
Self-sabotage protects you from:
– disappointment
– abandonment
– shame
– vulnerability
– emotional risk
It is a pain-management strategy.
5. Healing Self-Sabotage
1. Identify triggers of emotional risk
What activates fear?
2. Practice tolerating good feelings
Safety must be relearned.
3. Build internal secure attachment
Self-trust reduces the need for escape.
4. Redefine success as safe
You don’t have to hide from good things.
5. Slow down emotional decisions
Impulses soften when paced.
Conclusion
You don’t sabotage because you want to lose—
you sabotage because you fear losing.